Till Death do I Hate you
by Will of the Vongola
Summary: It was like the beginning of a nightmare. I know that I joked non-stop about the damn piece of trash become food for the sharks, but I never in all my life thought that this was actually going to happen.


It was like the beginning of a nightmare. I know that I joked non-stop about the damn piece of trash become food for the sharks, but I never in all my life thought that this was actually going to happen. I looked down at his body, willing him to get up. I didn't say much, I just stood there begging in my mind for him to say something. To jump up and say just kidding, or yell like he always does.

But he didn't, he just laid there, eyes closed as the warm blood seeped through his uniform. I stood there holding my arm, trying to stop the blood as I looked around. Everyone was in shock. The looks on their faces were ones that you didn't see everyday. Dino seemed to be in as much shock as I was. I suppose he had a right to though, he did grow up with the piece of trash.

I saw Dino start to walk over from the corner of my eye, though all I really cared about was Squalo. He needed to get up, we could't afford to lose another guardian. We've lasted without a cloud, but without a rain guardian we won't be much of a Mafia group anymore.

"Hey, shitty shark. Get up."

He didn't move, he didn't breath. Blood dribbled from his mouth, his hair falling over his eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen. We are the Varia, we finish our missions perfectly. We don't die in the middle of them. Only weaklings die, and I know myself that Squalo is not a weakling, despite what I say about him everyday. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know what to do with these emotions that are flowing through me.

I'm angry, I'm sad, and there is this one feeling that I really would rather keep hidden. Especially if the damn piece of trash really is dead, I don't have any reason to spill it. He doesn't deserve to hear it if he fucking dies on me.

I finally saw Dino stop next to Squalo, bending down, it's like the world stopped. We weren't worried about the fight anymore. We weren't worried about what Jager was going to do to us. We knew we needed to wait for Tsuna, whether I wanted to admit it or not. I would have trouble fighting with a severed arm. I guess Tsuna wins this one. I saw Dino move his hand to brush Squalo's hair from his face, wiping the blood that was starting to dry around his mouth.

"Don't touch him.'

Dino looked up, surprised but honored my wishes. He stood up and backed away. I don't know why I said it. The damn shark doesn't mean anything to me. Especially if he is a dead shark. He doesn't mean anything to me because he is dead. I let a low growl escape my throat and started to lift my gun. The others snapped their heads in my direction and I could sense Reborn stiffening.

"Xanxus don't. It would mean death for you. Do you want to end up where Squalo is? You're the leader of the Varia. There are times when you need to let your rage subside and figure out what is best for them. You can't become the boss of the Vongola and you know that. Because of that you have become the boss of the Varia and you've been groomed into a fine boss despite your anger. Think of the others, Belphegor, Mammon, Lussuria, and Levi. None of them would ever admit it but they need you. Without you as a boss they will all become lost again. You know each and everyone of them are part of the Varia because they had no where else to go. Their fighting prowess brought you all together and you know you're happy that they're here.

"You hide your drinking behind your anger and your rage. There are times that you just need to take a breath and let go. Fighting Jager would be the worst decision of your life. It does not help that you only have one arm. Please Xanxus, think about these things before you go and do something stupid. You don't need to die a lot with your comrade."

I looked over at Reborn, knowing that there was anger in my eyes. If you looked closely you could probably see the one thing in them that could scare a young child senseless... It was fear. I was afraid. I also knew that being afraid meant that I knew death, and that even by being reckless I could fight to live and not just fight because I was bored. It was amusing how many things I could learn just by my closest comrade facing death. Closest comrade... Was he really that close to me? Sure he was technically my right hand man but that didn't mean anything. We can't throw in the cliche that all right hand men and bosses have a thing for each other, that's ridiculous.

Yet, as I stood there, looking down at his paling face something inside of me was telling me that I was lying to myself. That all of what I just thought was wrong. The cliche is coming true here, there is something there... Between us. I just don't want to admit it, it's stupid, it's way too stupid to even think about. Me, in love with him. Yeah right. I'm Xanxus, my flames of rage are the thing that I love, not some stupid rain guardian who is lying at my feet, dying.

I don't love weaklings, weaklings make me sick. It just makes me want him to wake up just so I can kill him myself... I don't love him, I can't love him... I can't love a dead man. I knew that was wrong though, I knew Squalo wasn't weak. Actually he is one of the strongest men that I've ever met, the entire Varia is prized for their strength and ability. Squalo wasn't weak, Jager was just strong. I've never seen anyone move as fast as he could the only one that could possibly have a chance of countering him is the one person that isn't here right now.

It's hard not to blame this entire situation on Tsuna actually. But I know that this time, this time it isn't his fault. He has three different families to take care of, plus his own. I honestly don't see how he can do this, I don't see how he can risk his own life to save twenty eight others... Though I suppose now it's just twenty seven. Despite how much I want to hate him for not getting here in time to save Squalo... I can't hate him, at least not today.

I should have been the one to save Squalo anyways, if anyone is to blame its myself. I'm the boss of the Varia... Wait, I can't think these things. I can't have any sort of compassion, that's not who I am. My name isn't a name of compassion, when my name gets said people fear the oncoming slaughterfest. I have almost as bad of a reputation as Mukuro.

Shaking my head and looked up at Jager. I couldn't do anything right now, at least not without the help of Tsuna. Glancing back down at Squalo, I gently kicked his side.

"I will avenge you"


End file.
